The Same Old Fears

I will do anything to come up with $1400 to give my mom so that she doesn't lose the money she paid for me to live here. I need out or WILL punch thug life. All I want is sleep, but no. She wakes me up at 730am this morning to watch Knocked Up (probably to see what her life's going to be like?) and now, when I have class tomorrow at 800am, she's breathing/snoring super loud and I can't fucking sleep, so I really don't care about be considerate anymore. When I wake up at 630am tomorrow, SO WILL SHE, AND I DON'T CARE.

to find some redeeming qualities in her, but she has none!!! She's a slob; she hasn't bothered to hang her clothes up at all; she leaves her garbage everywhere; wakes up early and turns the TV on, waking me up; she snores/breathes heavily in her sleep; is always tapping her itchy head; she's always scratching her legs, which makes a disgusting noise; she always leaves the TV on; she's pregnant and all that implies; she's just plain gross. I hate her. I hate knowing she's there when I get back. I hate walking to my apartment and seeing our bedroom light on. I always go out of my way not to disturb her, but the next morning she'll wake me up by slamming the closet door so hard that my full length mirror falls over and breaks. She replaced it, but continues to treat the door like it has personally attacked her in some way. I hate her so much that sometimes it makes me cry. I'd rather share a tiny apartment with my dad quite frankly. I want so badly to live alone, but I can't afford it. I at least want my own room so that I don't have to put up with a disgusting roommate. I need to stop because I'm crying now, thinking about how awful and disrespectful she is. The worst part though is that she's not inherently a bad person, she's not malicious, this is just who she is.

I have a new cousin...Frank and Lauren finally procreated! He was born last night and I accidentally told my cousin Thomas before he may have had a chance to talk to Frank or his dad. I'm trying to figure out whether or not that was tacky thing to do...but I have a new cousin!

With them, I'm the best thing in the world. With out them, I'm not even worth a glance. What is it with me? I'm so tired of being desperate enough to actually think a drunk person will 1) remember me and 2) want something other than just a FWB. It makes me feel fucking ridiculous to waste a week waiting for someone to call and go through this whole emotional experience just for someone who I didn't even really like in the first place, but I'm just so goddamn desperate for some semblance of a relationship that I will shove a square peg into a round goddamn hole. The logical thing to do here would be not to get so wrapped up, but it's hard. When you haven't had anything really significant or worthy of mentioning since July 2007, it's pretty goddamn hard to let things go. I'm dying here. I'm so frustrated and angry and cynical I can barely move. Call me cocky, but I'm attractive. I'm not ugly, I'm a good listener, I'm not judgmental. I'm a little weird, but I'd like to think that I'm weird in an endearing way. I'm smart and know how to handle myself. I'm adaptable and kind. WHY AM I STILL SINGLE? And why do I have to feel bad on passing up on guys that would have been horrible, horrible mistakes?

I have class in 30 minutes. Psychology. You know, I really am not liking my psych classes and it's my major. I think i just find all the biological crap boring.

I really have nothing important to say, I'm just fucking bored. There's a George Carlin special on TV that i'm watching and I think thug life might be offended, but hey the chicken wing bones that sat on the floor for 3 days before she had the decency to pick them up offended ME.

Umm I'm going to see Social Distortion in feb.

I had another one of my really violent dreams where I beat the crap out of someone. Maybe I should just beat the crap out of someone in real life and they'll go away.

I'm going to stop now, this is getting ridiculous.

I read my last couple posts and I've realized that I'm so full of shit. I never lied about anything, but I wasn't honest. I always made everything sound so goddamn important and awesome. I guess I just wanted anyone who might come across it to think that I'm happy and that I don't need anyone I don't know anymore. I don't need you, but Jesus Christ, did I have to be so goddamn self-righteous about it? I'm going to be honest. I like living on my own, but my roommate is disgusting and sometimes just the sight of her makes me gag. She does things like make bacon and leave the grease in the pan for a week when I'm not there, following her around with a garbage bag cleaning up after her. I wanted to be independent, not a fucking maid. I like getting tips at my job, but that's about fucking it. I loathe every fucking day I have to wake up and do it all over again. It's just a daily reminder of how far I haven't gone. I'm going to Ireland in April, but I'm going with another person and really, I'd like to explore it all by myself. I still can't let go of my anger over the election. I'm constantly distracted wondering, "Was I as ignorant as everyone I pointed fingers at?" or, "Am I the backwards one here?" both of which are highly disconcerting thoughts. However, while all of this may be my truth, I don't want anyone to think for a minute that I want things to go back to the way they were in high school. If I don't talk to you now (with the exception of one person), I don't want to fucking talk to you. I have everyone I need right here with me. Call me unhappy, say I swear too much or that I'm too cynical. This is who I am and this is a rough patch, and I'm going to get through it, but only if I'm honest with myself.

I really like my new job. It's really easy, and even on bad days I like it more than the deli, probably because i get 10x more in tips. I'm still trying to get comfortable being a waitress, but everyone is really helpful. They're all a really tight family, and I'm hoping I'll get to be apart of that. We had our Christmas party tonight and everyone had to bring a gift to exchange and I brought what I thought was a really awesome margarita mixer that came with margarita mix and rimming salt. Amanda, who's my age, got it and she was sitting right next to me, and when it was my turn to my present, it happened to be a bottle of Patron (thank you Lee), so we're going to have a party with our presents.

So, on to the point of my post. Ireland!!!!! Stevie and I are going April 8-16. Roundtrip flight is about to be booked, along with the hostel. We're planning on staying in Dublin and there's a tour that goes to all the important places from the Easter Rising, which should be badass. The main event, however (for me at least), is the Guinness factory. Apparently, free Guinness awaits those who finish the tour, and I'm always down for Guinness. Hell, the main reason I'm going is so I can walk into a pub and ask for a pint of Guinness. Anyway, the point is this:

Kelsey loves Guinness and my new job.

I was sad about the whole thing last night and I think it's because I'm lonely and I just want to be with someone. I have realized, however, that having a friends with benefits type thing might be what I need. I get my space, but still someone to turn to when I want something. I like him enough to talk to him a little bit, but I'd much rather be all over him and appreciate how HOT he is. He is such a turn on!! I have to wait a while to let things cool down a little, but I hope things can work out... ; )

First off, let me start by saying:

I VOTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's was such an awesome experience!!!!! I took a video of me voting with my camera (which I'm not sure is entirely legal) and then took a picture of my final ballot. This has been a really amazing 10 months. I've learned so much, I've been inspired in ways I never knew I could. I met some really amazing people, people who I hope to keep in touch with over the next 4 years, especially Simone. She has an amazing spirit and when things got tough, or didn't go our way, she kept us Warriors feeling hopeful and positive. I hope that one day I can be like her, fighting-truly fighting- for what I believe and not letting anyone stand in my way. PUMA!!!!! That being said, I'm glad it's over. I'm tired!!!

This song (American Girl) goes out to my mom, Simone and of course....

Hillary. Can't wait til 2012.

I'm done. I'm so fucking done. It's a fucking circus and we have move backwards as a nation, not forward. So anyone interested in attacking my politics, fucking blow me.

In other news, school is awesome even though I miss my puppy =[ Besides that, I quit my job. It was reminiscent of when Joanna quits Chotchskie's in Office Space. I'll start looking for another job next week. For right now, I'm just going to bask in the glory of unemployment.